If you've been reading this blog for any small amount of time, or if you know me, you already know that I'm all over the place with my thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I feel everything at the same time. This week is no different!
It seems that I've been caught in the vortex of living two lives. A post Ethiopia haze, and a Twilight haze. It's been going on since exactly August 16th, 2008 when we returned home from our life changing trip. But then again, I hadn't entered the world of Forks until well after coming home and was practically bed ridden w/Mono and read the Twilight series (it was very easy to do).
The other day (Friday) I went to do some more paperwork for Tessa's post adoption stuff. Seriously, this stuff never seems to end. It's MUCH less than before but it's still ongoing. And now that we're home I have to admit it's a huge pain in the butt! I definitely don't feel the urgency that I once did because our little girl is here now!
So, I drove to the closest city to us to visit the IRS for some paperwork stuff. It was freezing cold, I had to park and walk a bit to get to the high rise (all of 20 floors- big stuff). I went in and had to take a number and have a seat in the waiting area. It was only on the ninth floor (my lucky number) but the windows were floor to ceiling. The view was spectacular of this small city. All the old mill buildings along the river and everything being snow covered (which wasn't fun when walking, but was beautiful now). Off in the distance sitting right in front of me - smack dab in my view was our church! She looked stunning from the vantage point I had and I took a deep breath in and reflected on the events from less than a week ago there. Tessa's baptism!
The time passed, and passed. After an hour my number was called. Long story short, I went in and after another 15 or so minutes it was apparent that I knew more about adoption tax stuff than the "representative" I was seated in front of. I left with yet another/different form in my hand that has to be filed w/our return. So, my entire trip to the IRS was a waste of time. Or was it?
While there I had my folder with the important document for Tessa since I wanted to be certain that I would have any pertinent information in hand. One of the documents with me was Tessa's passport. It had been a long time since I had seen it and really looked at it. The picture of Tessa, that had been taken before we were in Ethiopia was her passport photo. While it never really resonated with me before, looking at it that day was shocking and a reminder of how much things have changed.
I walked very briskly back to my truck and got in, excited to blast my Twilight soundtrack and even more excited to realize that I was still far enough away from home that I needed to eat. Junk food! Who doesn't like a good excuse for the golden arches?? Ok, I do!
After listening to one or two songs (good ones) I decided to turn on El Rushbo for some good entertainment. When we lived in this city, and when I was preggers with Nick I'd go every Tuesday to the golden arches for lunch (drive-thru) and listen to Rush while fat in my seat to enjoy the nutritious meal and talk radio. It was always the same price, always the same meal. $3.53
So, just as in the past, the food was consumed (a different meal than what used to be my weekly treat) and I continued to make my way home.
I was thinking of listening to my soundtrack again and thinking of some funny Edward commentary that my friends and I share back and forth via email. Surprisingly I didn't feel like listening to the same old soundtrack this time. Or Rush. So I put on the radio and started my constant scanning... I hate the radio! One of the local/Boston stations that typically plays rap came on and it was a song that I had heard before and loved. While I'm not into rap music I really like this song. Turns out that the artist lived several years in Senegal, Africa. I don't know the words but the groove gets me pumped!
This is where the two worlds collide -
Random flash pictures went through my head all in an instant and I began to bawl. I started screaming to the song (what few words I actually know) and it was so clear.
Edward (from the Twilight series) is basically the most beautiful man in the world (according to the book and is also confirmed by myself and my friends) and he's also amazingly strong. What vampire isn't strong?!
It was abundantly clear that the strongest person I've ever met is our Tessa Bezu. To think and see the difference in this child since the time her passport photo was taken to know is nothing short of miraculous.
The photo of her is the most heartbreaking photo of her that I've ever seen. The utter fear in her eyes is beyond explanation. It's so horrifying that I won't post it.
I wanted to share this reminder because I know that so many of you are waiting parents. You are so excited to get your referrals and see the pictures of your new child. And the pictures that you get may be happy smiles or not. But no matter what, the pictures you see and get are only a snapshot in time. For our little girl and probably most other children, it is a time that was the most scary and confusing that life could ever give them. But it is a snapshot in time.
We have hurdles and possibly mountains to climb with her later in life. And that's what we as parents sign up for whether biological or adoptive parents. It's all the same. Just different in some ways.
Her presence in our family already seems like it's been forever. That's why I was so rattled to see that photo and realize that this picture was not very long ago. Her little heart and world was shattered. Shattered.
And so I live these days blessed to know that we're here to guide her and Nicholas through life.
But in between being a parent, I'm going to give something to myself that is like dessert to a child.... Twilight!
And I'll leave you with this cute little video from last night. She is typically much more enthusiatic and LOUD, but this is our peanut!
If you want to know the song that broke me, Akon, I'm so paid. Don't ask me why, I just love it! The video and words have nothing do with my emotions - it just worked for some reason. Yeah, that's the mind I have to live with! ;) The kids do their FREAKY dance to this song! Video of that to come in the near future!
It's a wonderful world I live in, and a wonderful blessed life to have these children every day! And I'm SO paid with these kids!