Monday, August 31, 2009

It's alive - yeah, me!

One year home, we had a remembrance ceremony, cake, we lit candles for each one of us and looked at photos and video of Ethiopia and first home to the United States! It was awesome!

The "ghetto" pool. So much for the in ground we planned. We had a blast with the slip-n-slide into the shark who shot water at us!

Ethiopian picnic! Me and the kids put on our ET outfits! LOVED IT. It was too hot that day but what I was most interested in was watching Tessa with so many Ethiopian children. I was wondering if she might shut down. Nope! We had a lot of fun and can't wait to hang w/Corrine again and her family!!!

Just of the school bus today - sibling lovin'!

The pic-a-nic! Can you see the sweat!

Just before being rolled into the E.R. What a stupe, I had NO clue how things would unfold in the next 48 hours. My hair looks good though!

Hello UPDATE:my blog friends and visitors. Before I forget, I need to give a shout out to Carlin! I'm angry that you didn't join in the group emails - I've been thinking of you so much lately for obvious reasons and I want to connect with you and talk.

I'm still not ready for a biggie post so I'll just to a brief one *cough* (yeah right).

There are two reasons that Now Wot has been quiet. Well, that's not actually true, I can think of more but as of recently, just two.

The first one is a confession of a mother. Yes. ME. After coming home in August 08' and being used to having the time and financial freedom for my family of working on a regular basis pretty much went into the toilet I became thrust into almost no work and two toddlers full time. So, that is not the best case scenario for someone who's never depended on "husband" for money etc. having to re-do our budgets and pull them out of daycare almost entirely. It was a blow to me over a few months time, a blow emotionally. Oddly enough, I felt useless in a time when I should have felt most needed and important. I just didn't. The kids are annoying but absolutely amazing. I cannot imagine one second without them and have cherished (most of the time) having them home so much since Nick just started kindergarten and Tessa began her pre-school! Sigh. It's refreshing to have a new schedule but it weighs on my heart as a momma-bear!

Bigger than any of that has been my overwhelming desire to "do". Get back there (Ethiopia), raise money, raise awareness. Just fucking do more... M.O.R.E. I started having re-curring thoughts of three situations/incidents that we encountered in country. And they started to fuel my fire and make me ache. Too much. Too-much! Who needs to sleep when they try to pretend they're God and want to change Africa? I always knew I couldn't change the world, but I was determined to give my all in making a difference!

As a result of all the changes emotionally it became apparent that outside help was something I needed to control some of my emotions better. So, after several months kicking and screaming the idea around (also because my lack of patience and anxiety were at full tilt too) I reached out for help. Long story short... (trust me, you won't be surprised at the next statement) I am currently seeking the ear of a wonderful woman on a weekly basis who is putting things into perspective for me. And with that, I'm also under watch by a medication specialist who is helping to level out my mood swings and irrational thoughts on changing Ethiopia! There's passion (which is good). There is drive (which is VERY good). Then there is obsession, not so good!

I've also had another (third) sinus surgery. Because of a blood disorder that I have certain precautions need to be addressed if/when I have surgery. It was three weeks ago. Just after surgery I began hemorrhaging from my nose and they had to fix it in the hospital room. Then the next day (still in hospital) something drastic happened. I don't want/feel like writing all the details. My potassium level and all other electrolyte level plummeted to such dire lows that they rushed me down into the ICU. They were very worried about seizures, coma, heart failure. They put three IV bags on me all at once. My body went into a freeze (not cold, just froze up stiff) and they were able to put me to sleep finally. It was agonizing. I felt like my body was shutting down and the pain was so horrific I couldn't speak but was screaming bloody murder inside. I prayed over and over for God to let me die. Eight pounds of fluid added to my body overnight seemed to do the trick. The following day, I was released! It was a miracle because the surgery is typically a day surgery. The fact that they kept me for monitoring literally saved my life!

Today was school - I'm feeling physically and emotionally great and have put Ethiopia and my passion into a space that is manageable from a mental standpoint. I have to. I need to focus on my family first. I will continue to strive to do more, but the urgency has lessened. In a couple of months when our routine is in place and I know what my work load is then is the time for me to put my mind back to Ethiopia. But my mind was in Ethiopia in an unhealthy way. Balance - it's all about finding balance. And it's different for each and every one of us. I make no apologies, I feel good with the tremendous Team Ethiopia Goal and I see big things for the future. Just not TODAY. Maybe in a few months.
That's it, me, raw, simple, just me talking out loud to my peeps as honestly as I can.
I'll leave you with this video of us in the yard at the Parker WaterPark!

Thanks for Reading -


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Testing... Is this mic on?

I think I'm almost ready for a comeback... I really fell almost ready. But not yet. I don't know where to begin when I do, so there will be several posts addressing different topics. Here's what's going on in my head:

1. Of course, what we've been up to, the basics, been gone too long - a nice recap

2. What are my goals with Ethiopia as a woman/human/mother

3. How to move forward in life when you feel like you're finally coming out of quicksand

4. The balance that we need, that I need, part of my absence, part of my return to blogging

5. And the mental health and well being so important as a woman/mother/someone who wants to make a difference in the world

So you can see how I'm conflicted on where to start. You know I'm a pretty open book so I'm going to share many things within these posts that you may or may not be aware of. I look forward to the cathartic exercise of writing on the blog again. And perhaps touching someone else too.

I look forward to returning soon. And if you have any thoughts, comments or questions that you'd like me to address in these posts please say so in a comment. I'll DIE if nobody comments to at least say they're still reading. If nobody comments I may scrap the whole thing and just start randomly calling people to talk to from the phone book. ;)


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Perpetual Change - URGENT help is needed!

I am blessed to know this wonderful family. We go back quite a bit in adoption/blog world. Her family has changed me in many ways, Leul has put smile after smile on our faces and in our hearts. We are excited to get to know little Adey now that they are home and settling in as a family of four.

But Bethany and Jeff are on another mission. Please go to the family blog if you don't already know them (shame on you) and furthermore, please, if you are able, go to Perpetual Change and see what they're up to now! It's an honor to know people like this and be able to call them "friend"! Awesome!