Wednesday, August 18, 2010

It doesn't go away - how foolish of me ~

Tessa Bezu and Ethiopia will forever be connected. And I love that. I try to use the little Amharic that I learned during our wait. We talk about Ethiopia, but not too much. I honestly think that some people over do it with the cultural aspect. I am Sicilian and Greek. There are aspects of my life that represent that etc, but my life doesn't revolve around it. And for me, it would be wrong to plaster my entire home with anything and everything Ethiopian. BALANCE! I believe that is key.

Sadly because of this past year, there hasn't been the balance I planned on having with her. We haven't gone to Ethiopian restaurants, events, actually nothing other than talk about Ethiopia at home and look at pictures. I'm ashamed of that, but can finally admit it because it's all going to change soon!

Here is the grit of this post.... because of the extreme changes in our lives Tessa is now rejecting everything that has to do with Ethiopia where before she embraced it and would get excited when we talked about visiting in a few years together.

Gee, I wonder why.... NOT. Mommy went from being basically a stay at home Mom other than a few hours a day at pre-school, now Momma has a full time job, Daddy and Mommy don't live together, we have moved once already since she came home. That was only nine months ago, and we're moving again.

So, the other night when tucking her in I said "betam "Eh wed eh SHAH lehu" (I love you very much)..... my baby started to cry and said; "NO"! I don't want to talk Amharic, I don't want Ethiopia. We talked about it for several minutes, I questioned, probed to find the reason behind it. She just kept saying she didn't ever want to go back there and didn't want to speak Amharic. :(

I left her bedroom and cried. What a failure. I know we will recover together, but it sucked. I cannot wait until she is ready to embrace Ethiopia again. She's obviously reacting to all the changes in her little life and deep down the pain from the past are emerging.

Cannot tell a lie - as a parent - makes you feel like shit. But who cares about my feelings. The most important feelings are those of my babies. And I will make up for all of my shortcomings. We will get back into a routine that they get used to with me working. And I will refrain from ET talk with Tessa for a bit.


Monday, August 16, 2010

Who wants change, cuz I'm done with mine!!!

Finally - I can say that the question marks that I've lived with for close to a year are all answered. The house is sold, the family dynamic has shifted, I have found a lovely home to move into, and also have a job!

Talk about a ton of change.... I feel very content, happy, and know that while these changes have been very painful to many people in my life, they are changes that needed to be made. Changes that I pray will make me a better mother, human being, and server to those I love and allow me to chase my passion.

My priorities have changed ever since that little trip to a small place called Ethiopia! ;) Now that all this mess is just about done, I can concentrate on drinking the most important things. When Momma's happy, kids are happy. When we stop and really think about the importance of happiness and how it permeates throughout everything we do every single day. When we are happy, really happy, it is contagious. And I want that to spread it into my babies, I want to spread it to everyone around me. It's kind of like "pay it forward"....

Because together we can accomplish so very much. I know that Team Alexander has some super exciting plans to share soon. So, once I'm 100% settled, you can just imagine I'll be ALL over that! I know what you're thinking... "shit, here comes Lori with her stupid videos"... YEP!

I'm feast or famine, and I really want to get back into blogging and throw my passion to my babes and to Ethiopia, I need to be patient, it can't happen yet! I want them to learn early how critical it is to look beyond themselves, be good citizens of the world and honor their country, the best one on earth.  I can feel the GIANT wave of greatness that is just around the corner. I can't wait.

The next month is going to be living hell... but I'll get through it and once I'm on the other side I can really focus on the important things. I have been selfish in my free time, that is going to change too. Having a normal routine again with the kids is something I am craving. Getting back to planning dinners, reading every night at bed and most importantly, not being impatient with them because of my stress. Kids feel that. And they don't deserve too, but it happens that way sometimes. Not for much longer... nope.

This fall will be the best fall ever. Settling in, nesting and getting ready for my favorite holiday. CHRISTmas!

The biggest challenge for me is bucking up and learning how to operate heavy equipment. Should be a sight to see. The lawn tractor/trailer and snow blower! I know how to "ride" on the tractor, but I've never mowed with it! Should be fun....

That's all I got for an update -