Monday, February 23, 2009
You asked for verbal vomit - here you go!
You asked for it, oddly it all came to me today, in the car, as usual! You cannot say I'm not an open book after this post -
So, pull up an ice-block and lend an ear! (Rudolph quote, not Twilight!) :)
First, some background information:
A very dear friend of mine was discussing a troubling situation that had to do with a topical discussion at a church group regarding "finances." I'm paraphrasing, but it came down to talking about being blessed. Are those with fortunes (meaning a decent home etc., you and I basically) more blessed because we do good deeds. Hell no, if you ask me. And that was her point of view. There was MUCH more to it and I don't want to reveal her name because I'm totally butchering the encounter. The "group leader" at the church group took the opposite stance and starting pounding his bible etc. and belittling my friend in front of the others to make his point, quoting scripture etc. I loathe people like that.
FF to right after reading this from my friend; I was driving and got over being angry at her leader for talking that way to her and began to think about the actual premise of the argument. Why are we blessed the way we are. Why? And not others.
The thoughts that soon followed are what shaped my day and put into perspective how things have unfolded for me over the past six months home.
Why? Why? It's a question that has come into my head more times since April 2007 than ever in my entire life. So many times I've been able to work through questions and they've been answered, worked through in my head, resolved in the end. I'm a black/white girl, not much gray, not this time, not with this one. Why are we "blessed" and not them (Ethiopians/third world countries?)
Yes, others in third world countries are blessed, differently. Their souls are rich and strong. Their gifts are small but great. Their spirit is beyond. But I'm not going to sugarcoat it and say that they have such happy lives every day, blah, blah, blah. They ARE blessed by the grace of God, but they struggle.
But I have to say, it's friggin' ugly that my daughters mother couldn't even feed her and therefore had to say goodbye. I'm sorry, that's not blessed, it's called suffering and I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! I see no answer ever coming from "why" when I reflect on our life altering trip to Ethiopia last August. So many why's, too many to count.
Then, it began, I really started to relive our trip, the ugly parts of the trip that I've stuffed down into some black hole in my head and heart. A few scenes that I replay in my head until I want to drown. It's so f*ucking disgusting to see the daily lives of people who STRUGGLE SO much. It makes me want to throw up just thinking of it again. Two scenes in particular that I haven't shared with you. I hate it. Still don't want to verbalize it because I cannot make it the horror that it was with just words.
Blessings, how can you count them? What are they? Faith, community, health, family, prosperity?? What are they? What are blessings... and to whom? They differ from person to person... And I have too many to count.
Figuring out my place on this planet is something new, a new challenge. I fear it and welcome it at the same time.
I want to go back to Ethiopia so bad. Being all over the place is not a new thing for me (like you don't know that one.) On one hand I value everything and everyone around me 100 times more since our trip, but then again, I could give a shit about anything because it's not important, these blessings, material things, who cares!
And lest not forget, I got completely encapsulated by a book series, a young adult series for that matter. It has become my escape, my treat, and I love it so much. I'm either deep and reflective or shallow and a twelve year old!
This is the odd and other side of this strange coin. I've found my humor again. I have been stuffing it down somewhere over the years without knowing and only recently have I realized it was missing. Regaining humor has brought back a part of myself that I didn't know was gone until it came back. I've laughed so hard, so much lately that it's not uncommon to be in tears of laughter. My mood and wit have been challenged and raised up and up
What I came away with today is this. This is my chance to find a way to serve others. I have the golden opportunity! It's so clear! I'm blessed beyond measure, and I need to do something with it, life is changing, the ground is shifting beneath my feet, it's pretty cool!
*Tessa has NOTHING and EVERYTHING to do with this realization. It is SHE that has made me/us look at her everyday and wonder how we ever got the priveledge to raise her. She's exceeded our expectations as a human being on more levels ever imaginable. Which is why I often have to question.... WHY. We are not worthy.*
Posted by Nicholas at 6:22 PM