Thursday, October 14, 2010

True Blood ~

True blood is one of my favorite shows. Yes, I have a thing for vampires. No clue why, but I'm not alone so I don't feel like I have a problem...

But this post is about "True Blood".... what does blood mean? What does it mean to you? Some people (Italians and other nationalities) feel that blood is thicker than water. That is such a dichotomy for me. Because my family is my life, and two because water is my love.... So, I guess that blood and water are my passions. Period.

Not only blood and water, but serving. Serving to those in need. My life has been a struggle for the past year. And it's time, now that we have our own home to start to regain connections with Ethiopia and the community.

I don't want that to sound like Nicholas isn't a huge part of this journey. He actually has a larger heart for Ethiopia than Tessa Bezu, right now.

The divorce (finally wrote it) is starting to show it's ugly head with the Tessa. Tessa Bezu is starting to have meltdowns. Why wouldn't she? So many changes in such little time. Her recent behavior has been shocking to me because this change in our lives began last December... And she has adapted so easily to everything thus far since coming home, until now.

I'm not surprised. I can't imagine the pain and grief and loss that she's gone through. And now, it's happening all over again (for her). The past few drop off's (daycare/school) have been nothing short of disgusting.... I haven't seen her temperment like this since we first met her and she didn't want me/us to touch her. The violence in her came back out when they tried to pull her away from me. It was impossible to hold back the tears and it brought me back to when she didn't want me AT ALL..

They kept saying, "she'll be fine, just let go".... then I looked in Tessa in the eyes when they were pulling her away from my arms.. I couldn't take it. I said,  "NO she's not going through this again (at my hand) I'm not leaving her here, this way". I told the teacher;  "I've seen this face and reaction before", we left. There was no way I could let her be ripped out of my arms hysterical. Kicking and screaming. She doesn't do that normally, so I knew that this was different, and needed to be treated different (by her momma)...

We got in the car, (me bawling hoping she didn't see)... and I brought her to daycare, she was seeming fine...

We got out of the truck, everything was good, we'd talked about mommy coming back etc... Then it happened again, but worse.....I was literally ready to call my boss and quit my dumb ass job. Seriously, does my baby need to be here ALL this time while I work almost as a volunteer? NO!

I had no choice but to leave her, but would not let them take her from my arms. I put her down, crouched and hugged many times telling her I'd be back soon (which wasn't true because I worked til seven). I said to her, "I'm your Momma and ALWAYS will be, I will see you later..") It killed me. She said she was scared I wouldn't come back..... Needless to say I walked into work a mess. And it continued for quite bit... After an hour I called and they said she was "better". I was hoping for "great, normal, fine".

Blessing in disguise - I thought I wanted to start my business up again... I have my motivation. I need to be here for my kids a lot more, and of course make money to support us and so I can become a part time/stay at home mom... :)

So, as a single momma of two, my main goal is finding balance. For myself and my children. One of the reasons for taking a hiatus from FB. I'd rather blog every few days or less, and keep up with my adoption peeps. New goals, new priorities... Thank You Lord.



  1. Oh Lori that was tough. You honestly did the absolute right thing in not just leaving her at school (I know the teachers meant well but they really don't understand what our kids have been through) and in then taking as much time as Tessa needed at daycare to say good-bye. Hang in there - you're a great mom!

  2. :) Thank you! It stinks.. they kept pulling her, it was horrid, reminder of her being taken away from the nannies at the care center when we came... I don't EVER want to see that fear in her eyes again. I bet you know that look, those eyes, the fear, the pain, nobody can put it into words, unless you go through that pain with them. Adoption is disgusting and beautiful all in one (in my opinion)... SHE saved me....SHE changed my life and the trip to Ethiopia.

  3. I will pray for all of you. You will get her through this, just as you did before. Love is stronger than fear, and she just needs lots of love right now.