Wednesday, August 18, 2010

It doesn't go away - how foolish of me ~

Tessa Bezu and Ethiopia will forever be connected. And I love that. I try to use the little Amharic that I learned during our wait. We talk about Ethiopia, but not too much. I honestly think that some people over do it with the cultural aspect. I am Sicilian and Greek. There are aspects of my life that represent that etc, but my life doesn't revolve around it. And for me, it would be wrong to plaster my entire home with anything and everything Ethiopian. BALANCE! I believe that is key.

Sadly because of this past year, there hasn't been the balance I planned on having with her. We haven't gone to Ethiopian restaurants, events, actually nothing other than talk about Ethiopia at home and look at pictures. I'm ashamed of that, but can finally admit it because it's all going to change soon!

Here is the grit of this post.... because of the extreme changes in our lives Tessa is now rejecting everything that has to do with Ethiopia where before she embraced it and would get excited when we talked about visiting in a few years together.

Gee, I wonder why.... NOT. Mommy went from being basically a stay at home Mom other than a few hours a day at pre-school, now Momma has a full time job, Daddy and Mommy don't live together, we have moved once already since she came home. That was only nine months ago, and we're moving again.

So, the other night when tucking her in I said "betam "Eh wed eh SHAH lehu" (I love you very much)..... my baby started to cry and said; "NO"! I don't want to talk Amharic, I don't want Ethiopia. We talked about it for several minutes, I questioned, probed to find the reason behind it. She just kept saying she didn't ever want to go back there and didn't want to speak Amharic. :(

I left her bedroom and cried. What a failure. I know we will recover together, but it sucked. I cannot wait until she is ready to embrace Ethiopia again. She's obviously reacting to all the changes in her little life and deep down the pain from the past are emerging.

Cannot tell a lie - as a parent - makes you feel like shit. But who cares about my feelings. The most important feelings are those of my babies. And I will make up for all of my shortcomings. We will get back into a routine that they get used to with me working. And I will refrain from ET talk with Tessa for a bit.



  1. My guy gets 'anxious' about it from time totime too. He isn't verbal enough to really 'talk' about it. But if I lay off. And remember at some non pressure time- to casually mention some fun thing I know he remembers.. friends, time together there etc... he brightens up.

    It sucks... this questioning every thing we do and don't do. I can only give you advice others gave me... let it go. Its just a phase and they will pass through.

  2. Thanks for the insight Shannon... :)

  3. Diborah is a little bit that way. I think she has a fear of having to go back so she doesn't want to talk about it--just wants to feel safe and happy where she is for now. Faven understands that she is here to stay and so loves to talk about Ethiopia. I think Shannon is's just a phase (nothing you've done!)and someday they will love to talk more about it.

  4. reading ur blog... i think ur over looking her reason for feeling that way.. its not because ur a bad mother.. its quite the opposite! she is more afraid to go back to E because shes afraid to be abondoned again.. im sure she doesnt have the happiest of memories there.. dont u realize she wants to stay here because shes afraid to lose YOU!! because YOU are a GREAT MOTHER Miss Lori.. and she has her happiest memories here at her REAL home with her REAL family

  5. Hugs to all of you during this hard transition. Goodness and joy awaits.


  6. Hang in there Lori. It will get better.

  7. Lor, you are a great mommy, just had a few changes going on. Thankful she feels the freedom to share with you how she feels. You will walk through this one together and come out on top.

  8. Lori, people (Ok mostly my mom and it did sort of annoy me) kept telling me over this past emtional year "focus on the kids!!!" So hard to do, isn't it, when your own personal life is in upheaval. Essentially impossible if YOU are hurting. But I try to tell myself, the men come and go (yes, don't be fooled, they GO, and that's OK!) but your kids always stay. They need you tremendously. We have to try to not screw them up too much! Ha!!! I have a long way to go before I feel like I have things all together, but when I do just make the kids #1, and stop whatever I'm doing, and read with them, and play, and say a prayer of thankfulness that I have them and they have me (and that they have the X, pukey as he may be IMO), then I feel better.

    OK well I don't know if I've said anything sensible here but in any case, I'm on your side, girl! I feel like I've there. Maybe I'm still there. Later. :)