Thanks so much to all of you that have sent prayers our way and given such nice comments. I know it's a bit "cryptic" as to what the heck is/was going on and I still (and probably never) cannot get into full details of the circumstances and events that have unfolded since Monday.
I do owe you some information as we're all in this together, as dear Emily (http://www.teamalexander.blogspot.com/) reminded me of a week or so ago when I was having a other emotional issues! Thanks Em', you're certainly becoming quite the rock these days...
Anyhow, as I am most certainly long winded, I'll keep this brief. In fact, so brief, that nobody will have a clue at what I'm talking about! :)
Our agency has "waiting children". There is a beautiful boy who I've seen many times on our agencies weekly update. His picture is continuously coming up. He is stunning to look at to say the least with eyes as deep as the ocean... I had told myself, "self, if he is in the next update, you have to at least call and get more information on him and why he is considered "waiting".
So.... Monday, there he was again in the weekly update. I phoned, left a message, and chatted with someone on Tuesday about him and his condition. She then forwarded me all his information (which I cannot and would not share) with many pictures and much information. He was and is just an absolute LOVE. I reviewed it and cried for awhile. Then our wonderful social worker called very shortly thereafter (what a coincidence!) to see how I was feeling about things etc. We talked for a bit and he really grounded me and reminded me that I am not a "superhero" (he didn't use that term) and it isn't our job to go around the world rescuing people once we get to know their story. This is a hard, hard, hard and true fact. He said that we must think about this with heads, and hearts, but with heads being most important and what we are willing and able to "take on" as a lifetime commitment.
Anyway, Michael was privileged enough to go see Van Halen with a good friend and had VIP status! So, last night was a night for me to really think, pray, and think long and hard. I cried for hours, sometimes like a child not able to catch his breath - the "ugly" cry. Looking for clarity and peace with what I know is the right decision for our family and for this precious little cherub. I knew and know that the right decision is that we won't be requesting to be matched with him. I cry just writing it because you almost feel like you've been tapped on the shoulder and that you're saying "NO" to someone that honestly, we aren't worthy of raising. He is too special for us. I feel so selfish and arrogant, no matter what anyone says, you cannot help but feel that way.
Now, I desperately beg you to send your prayers to this little boy who is in need for his forever family - That they are ready, willing and able for the challenges coming, and that his time is short before he is united with his forever family. And lastly, that God be gracious with his little life and health and give him every chance at a long, loving life. I know that he will be in my thoughts and prayers for a very long time - And I know that he will be fine, God have mercy.
I am thankful that we requested the information on him, and I am regretting that I requested information on him. This whole adoption thing really turns you inside out.
So, in closing, we are patiently waiting for our referral - and that's that...
I am at peace, and I don't take for granted for one minute that it isn't because of you friends out there and God (of course) that have put me in this place. There are much tougher times ahead I'm sure, but this was quite a stretch for my emotions as you can imagine at this time.
Anyone with questions or clarification, please note your question and email address and I'll be happy to respond.
Again, Thank You for your heartfelt prayers and thoughts! Now, it's time to move forward and look for the gifts of things to come for all of us! I praise God for giving me this gift of learning about this dear babe - I may not know why things are the way they are, but I do know that I will have full clarity on this situation down the road - hey, isn't that what faith is all about?
ps. On a side note; (I'm such a freak), my face is almost 100% healed and will post a photo soon! :)