This is a cloudy because it was so dark to begin with and I added fill light to it! Last weekend my friend Rhonda and I had an Arbonne party at my house... we had a blast and I didn't get to bed unitl 3:30.... As fun as things can be, there's always a giant elephant in whatever room I'm in... where is she? Who is she? What does she look like? Is this going to happen at all????

So, what do you do the very next day when you just finished cleaning from a party??? Entertain again! We had my in-laws over for steaks on the grill! The weekend went by so fast, but time moving quickly is exactly what I want!

We are back on the top of the waiting list

with our agency, but we've been on it and off it enough times that it's hard to get too excited..

I just cannot fathom travel in November because of the courts.... I cannot get my mind around that! We have a ton of beautiful clothes in her room on hangers... summer clothes... ugh! They will have to be returned and I don't know how to do it without looking like a crazed crack addict to the clerk. Either crying or on the verge...

There have been several mental breakdowns and ugly tantrums. Mostly when nobody is around, but MP has had to witness a few - he's great, but I have to be honest... it's very difficult for me because he's not an anxious person, he's not going through what I'm going through...

I am furious, mad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, confused and losing all hope... I am so twisted in self pity and I need to get over it but there's only one thing that can pull me out of this funk. Can you figure out what that one thing is?? ;)

This part of my life NEEDS to be over, this holding pattern HAS TO STOP, I refuse to accept it and just be happy for what's to come. It IS TIME. Nothing can distract me anymore...

One funny thing I thought of the other day and said to MP. I said, "isn't it funny that some little tiny person that I've never met or laid eyes on half way around the world consumes every fiber of my daily life"...

All of the ugly failure feelings have been surfacing that I dealt with while struggling with infertility. It's sad but true. I know I'm not being punished in my head, but it's hard to grasp when it's stupid long for us to add a child to our family.

I don't want ya'll to thing I'm on a bridge or anything. It's just been a while since I've posted the raw gut truth of my feelings. I also understand that there is a much bigger picture and that my woes aren't really a big deal in the scheme of things, but darn it, I'm tired of talking myself up!

Please come join my pity party, I'll serve the food and cocktails, just come and wallow with me for a moment! :) This too will pass, but not until we get our referral...

edit; Freaking blogger and those stupid paragraphs - I'm at the end of my rope!