Tuesday, June 3, 2008

This is a cloudy because it was so dark to begin with and I added fill light to it! Last weekend my friend Rhonda and I had an Arbonne party at my house... we had a blast and I didn't get to bed unitl 3:30.... As fun as things can be, there's always a giant elephant in whatever room I'm in... where is she? Who is she? What does she look like? Is this going to happen at all????
So, what do you do the very next day when you just finished cleaning from a party??? Entertain again! We had my in-laws over for steaks on the grill! The weekend went by so fast, but time moving quickly is exactly what I want!
We are back on the top of the waiting list
with our agency, but we've been on it and off it enough times that it's hard to get too excited..
I just cannot fathom travel in November because of the courts.... I cannot get my mind around that! We have a ton of beautiful clothes in her room on hangers... summer clothes... ugh! They will have to be returned and I don't know how to do it without looking like a crazed crack addict to the clerk. Either crying or on the verge...
There have been several mental breakdowns and ugly tantrums. Mostly when nobody is around, but MP has had to witness a few - he's great, but I have to be honest... it's very difficult for me because he's not an anxious person, he's not going through what I'm going through...
I am furious, mad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, confused and losing all hope... I am so twisted in self pity and I need to get over it but there's only one thing that can pull me out of this funk. Can you figure out what that one thing is?? ;)
This part of my life NEEDS to be over, this holding pattern HAS TO STOP, I refuse to accept it and just be happy for what's to come. It IS TIME. Nothing can distract me anymore...
One funny thing I thought of the other day and said to MP. I said, "isn't it funny that some little tiny person that I've never met or laid eyes on half way around the world consumes every fiber of my daily life"...
All of the ugly failure feelings have been surfacing that I dealt with while struggling with infertility. It's sad but true. I know I'm not being punished in my head, but it's hard to grasp when it's stupid long for us to add a child to our family.
I don't want ya'll to thing I'm on a bridge or anything. It's just been a while since I've posted the raw gut truth of my feelings. I also understand that there is a much bigger picture and that my woes aren't really a big deal in the scheme of things, but darn it, I'm tired of talking myself up!
Please come join my pity party, I'll serve the food and cocktails, just come and wallow with me for a moment! :) This too will pass, but not until we get our referral...
edit; Freaking blogger and those stupid paragraphs - I'm at the end of my rope!


  1. I'm so glad to hear you say all of this. I've been wondering how you've been doing- but not wanting to bring up the obvious frustration, if that's not what you were feeling that moment. I think that all of these feelings are completely justified and you are coping very well. I remember when I had so much anxiety over everything- my biggest irrational fear being that it just wouldn't happen- someone, older than me, told me that the hardest time in her life retrospectively was during her adoption. It made me feel better, because at least my feelings were "normal." I think that you are doing the best thing possible by staying so super busy...and if you ever want to vent, PLEASE give me a call. I'll even let you talk with Jude :)
    Much love,

  2. I hear ya! This waiting thing is not for me either!
    26 weeks this Thursday!!
    MY hubby is not an anxious person either,so he doesn't GET it!My joke is,that i will be in a little white jacket,when our referral comes!!I hope you get your call soon!Meanwhile, i'll have a margarhita!!

  3. Oh Lori-

    I want so, so badly for you to get the call. I stalk your blog all day long, and when I can't get online, I call Dan and he checks it for me. Anytime you want to have that pity party, you let me know!! I think Portsmouth might be a half way point?? We can toast to your perfect parker princess and Bennett chilling out in the big kids house together, or toast to being in the same travel group!

  4. Oh, Lor, I'm so sorry, honey! Waiting sucks. I'm glad that you shared your feelings because I know that many who are also waiting are going through the same stuff. I wish we could sit down together and talk over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. Someday...
    I'm praying for you, my friend. I can hardly wait to hear your wonderful news... SOOON!

  5. I will come, I will come!! Will margaritas be on the menu?? I'm so sorry that you continue to ride the emotional roller coaster otherwise know as, international adoption!! It is so hard, hard, hard.

    I love you.

  6. Hang in there. I'm sure you will make it through court. I, too, am surprised that you don't have a referral yet. It's coming soon!

  7. I will take a cosmo please. I know. I know its crazy little does this little girl know how much her mama already loves her! oh its coming. PRAYING

  8. I so want to come to this pity party! I am not even near referral, like you are, but every other day I am just DOWN! This is one of the hardest things I've ever done and I can totally relate to having all kind of other feelings creep up that I thought were resolved.

    Hang in there and I can't wait to read all about your referral!

    Thanks for the honesty!