Thursday, October 9, 2008

"Our" daughter~

There are so many things that I haven't talked about in regards to our trip. So, so many. I think it takes time to process everything and I have to admit that I don't know if you ever fully do (for me anyway). We've been home for almost eight weeks and there are so many thoughts and feelings and memories that I want to share. I want to share them mostly because I have this dreadful feeling everyday that a tiny bit of our trip is escaping from me. I'll notice that I haven't thought about our trip all day sometimes and that scares me! I want it to be raw and fresh on some weird level... I don't want to lose it.

Of course I love sharing pictures of us home etc. but I have to do these posts every once in a while for my own sake more than anything.

This house, yes, this house is where my daughter spent the first three years of her life...

The birth family visit is something I can't get my head around. It was all a fog, and so surreal. I don't know what I'd do without the precious video of it to remind me of every little detail and the way they looked at me so curiously, trying to get in every detail of us. There were many people (about twelve) all inside their modest but fastidious hut with a dirt floor and fire pit in the center for cooking. The walls were mostly lined with school papers and newspapers all pinned up as if they were wall paper, edge to edge, seam to seam. The beds (one of which we sat on during our visit) were made of branches and covered with blankets. It was just one room, just one.

We had a tough time meeting Tarikua... really tough. And I'll admit, love doesn't always come, even with a child who isn't trying to tear your neck to shreds! What I'm trying to say is while we had a tremendous turn around with Tarikua at the airport coming home and ever since, we settled in here at home and things were great but not like now. It has been awesome to watch our lives intertwine with hers to become a family. The first week home it kinda felt like babysitting, everything was new and a surprise to learn her. That's basically what you do, you learn one another. While I loved her, I wasn't in love with her.... that's hard to say and I hope you don't take it the wrong way.

About two weeks ago something shifted in me... it was huge and I remember thinking several things as it was happening. It was slow but within a few days... I just felt this incredible tug every time I looked at her. Like I do with Nicholas, like I feel that "I can't live without her" feeling... I crave her hugs and her body is no longer new to me and has become so completely and utterly average! I don't need to stare at her beautiful fingers as much or look at her hair or any of that, she's just my average kid! Beautiful and mine! I know every detail and I KNOW HER! To know her there's only one thing that can happen, to love her, every single bit!

I had this feeling and heard the words but it was actually true now, "she is my daughter." And it feels like that, it feels that way so strongly I have no words.

Towards the end of our birth family visit with Tarikua's mother one of the questions we had for her was; "how do you want us to raise your daughter?" Her reply, "she's your daughter now, raise her as your own".

It broke my heart to hear her say that. How tough she was ~ she had decided the future for Tarikua, her daughter, and it was to be...

What a blessing and a gift to have had this birth family experience for Tessa, my daughter. She's a daughter to both of us ~ from one end of this beautiful earth to the other, she has two mom's.

23 comments:

  1. Love takes time, and for most of us it's not an instant thing. It's awesome that you are being so honest about your feelings, and I'm glad things have improved so much in the last couple of weeks.

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  2. i was so touched by your post. it's refreshing to hear someone describe this with such honesty. i think it helps us who don't have our children yet to not have unrealistic expectations upon the first meeting...i know it will take time.
    thank you:)

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  3. Thanks for sharing such a raw and honest post. It is so helpful to hear the REALITY of this process. With all of these blogs and people posting their best (of course), it is easy to romanticize this whole journey. The reality of your story, though, is better than a romanticized notion because it is beyond our understanding... it involves grace and redemption in a way that none of us can take credit for. There is some sadness in the story, but also such beauty. Thanks for sharing.

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  4. Umm, wow. I love this post. It's so amazing that you were able to see Tessa's first home. What an experiance.

    While reading your post, I found myself saying, yep, I felt that way too! As always, thanks for sharing. I SO appreciate your honesty!

    ~Brooke

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  5. What a precious post, a tear jerker! What an amazing photo. If you haven't already, You should journal as much as you can about the trip so you will have it to give to her. It will be hard as you stated to remember all the details later. I practically stalk your blog. It makes me smile during a hard day at work to read and see the videos. You all are a special family and I am grateful to hear about it.

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  6. Thanks for sharing. What a trip you guys had. I had a hard time processing our trip as well. It was only a few months ago when I finally stopped crying each time I looked at the pictures. God is good. I can not wait to see you guys again.
    love, LEnka

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  7. What a beautiful honest post. For those of us who have not met our new baby/ies you help prepare us for that meeting. Every time we had a foster baby, I would wonder if we would be able to love that baby, also. Every time, we came to love him or her. With this adoption, I find myself praying that once again, God would prepare my heart to love yet another child/ren. Thank you for the beautiful post.

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  8. Thank you for sharing - I read your blog daily as well! You all are incredible people - Mindy

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  9. So you know how your last post was titled "Pass The Tissues"? You could've reused it for this one! Your words had me thinking all about our trip to Arbegona, and the visit with Petros' first dad. I haven't watched the video yet, because I can't imagine reliving the raw emotion!

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  10. Sweet post from a mama's heart! I love how you love her so well.

    Those birth family visits- tough stuff but so beautiful as well.

    Not Ave, but have Abe in lap:) 1 hand typing- too lazy to switch.

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  11. i too am one of the waiting mothers. i've thought about this post so often before you ever wrote it. i wanted to ask someone about it but didn't want to offend anyone. so, thank you.

    were you prepared for this in the way you are preparing us? did you have expectations to how you would feel and how long it would take you to feel those things? were you scared about it? how is it different than what you expected? many questions, i know, but i love your style and i trust your instincts.

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  12. I think often about meeting my two girls' birthmom. Reading about how much Tarikua's birthmom loved her and now how much you love her is so touching.

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  13. I beleive that God has us here to be caretakes, we really don't own anything - things or people. Bloodlines are really nothing, just one form of structure that some group started to help them to preserve their own. Hard to fathom, since that is all most of us have know. Tarikua is wise in many ways, and having less perhaps gave her a greater sence of freedom, and made it easier for her to know what was best for her child, for God's child.

    Love is giving and in that giving we receive.

    xoxox pq

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  14. Again, I applaud you for your honesty. This post brought back so many memories for me. We stood in a hut just like that and while we didn't get to meet Moe's birth family, we met the man who found him and raised him for 7 months. I think about him all the time.

    stephanie
    www.mubarek.wordpress.com

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  15. My favorite post I've ever read. I adore you and admire your honesty. You and your heart are beautiful.

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  16. In a word...beautiful.

    Miss you guys.

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  17. You continue to walk this path with honesty, integrity, compassion, and love! Tarikua's mother is a blessing to both you and your daughter, Tessa! I think it's fantastic that you are processing slowly! Each and every emotion and memory will be only deeper engraved into your heart and mind. You are a fantastic mom to both of your children and you continue to be a true example of what we all should aspire to be! Blessings!

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  18. Beautiful post my friend. Your love for Tessa is truly oozing from this post. I got all choked up reading about your birth family visit. What an amazing gift. Tessa is truly a blessing and your one awesome mama.

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  19. I want to be the 20th commentor that tells you how happy I am for you!...And for how thankful I am that you are sharing your story.

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  20. Again, you reach into the heart strings...from my heart to yours, thank you for sharing. Your honesty and candidness is so much appreciated. I am very happy for all four of you! Kim (tickledpink.kim@gmail.com)

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  21. i love this post .... so real and honest ... i love how God molds our heart and makes us a family ... the timing isn't always ours, but it is His ... I know Maggie took a long time to love us and understand family ... thanks for stopping by my blog ...

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  22. Its funny because even though we didn't have the initial rejection you experienced I still felt like maybe this kid who was crying all that week in Addis was supposed to be someone elses and we were supposed to get the happier one... Now there is no doubt in my mind that Marin is MINE. I could not love her more! (thanks God!)
    Anyhow, I so wish that we had been able to go to her families home. Our entire group all met their birth families in "community centers". I wish I had seen the home my precious beezu was born in....

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