God knows me too well...

God seriously has to slap me in the face when I need an answer to something. It has to be abundantly clear. He knows that, He knows me. I love that!

I was trying to figure out a post idea and Lori S.asked about a birth family visit update. The women that commented on that post really gave me something to chew on. Some very interesting things were pointed out that I hadn't considered. And most of all, some of you shared some very personal experiences and for that I am SO grateful. The blog community is just wonderful.

Something happened the very day after that post. 

I was at the computer (gasp) doing a blog post. YOU KNOW WHO starts wandering by, yes Tessa Bezu; (*note to self, next home office must have doors*)... She sees the picture I used for the post. She stopped and asked; "Mom, was that my house?" I tell NO lie! So I'm all freaking out and stuff after just doing this huge post about her not having a stinking clue. All wide eyed, I turned to her and said, "yes, honey, that was your house in Ethiopia. Do you remember it?" Then she told me that there is another building (if you want to call it that) next to it. And yes, there is. Then she told me where there is grass (she was correct), that there aren't any beds and that she sleeps on wood chairs (they had beds made from branches). The floor is dirty and muddy (also true). No cabinets, no kitchen, no walls (true, true, true). I was flabergasted.  Then when she was done saying these things she kinda cocked her head and got shy and said, "I don't know mommy, I don't remember".  Weird!

So, we know that the Parkers have NO intentions of bringing Tessa Bezu back to Arbegona anytime soon! The end! We'll go back to plan "A"... aid work adults only until she is old enough to understand!

Thank you God for showing me once again how you are in charge!

Product review - Moshi!

et me introduce you to my new best friend, Moshi...

Moshi is my LISTENING alarm clock. She is voice activated. That means NO BUTTONS (well a few on the back just in case she's being obstinate and not obeying the command)!

If you click the link above you can see a demo on the website. I was doubtful when I saw the package at BED BATH & BEYOND. It was on sale for $35.99! And the numbers are HUGE. Great for a blind girl! So we got home, plugged it in and she started to talk to me! Whoa. She asked me "what is the correct time"?  "I said, 2:14pm"  and the clock instantly changed to that time!

When you want to set the alarm nooooo more holding down the damn buttons until it reaches the right time and making sure you're on am and not pm! All I say is; "Hello Moshi" She says, "command please" and I say, "set alarm". Then she asks, "what time would you like the alarm to sound?"  "I say, seven o'clock am" All of a sudden she says, "the alarm is set to seven o'clock am"!

And it has the coolest back light ever. You can have no backlight, blue or changing colors backlight! :0 Yes, I am SERIOUS.

THAT IS IT.... well, not really.

It has three different alarm sounds. Three different sleep sounds (if you like that) and tells the date, temperature etc if you ask her. It is NOT a clock radio.

The ONLY downside I've noticed while being sick is that she is confusing my cough with me activating her. You activate her by saying "hello moshi". So, I suppose my cough sounds like hello moshi. Because everytime I cough she asks me to give her a command.  Other down side.... the first few nights she was here I forgot her name in the morning to tell her to turn off. So I was screaming HELLO MEESHI, HELLO MUSHI, HELLO MENSI... nothin.

But we're back on track and we are deeply in love! Goodbye alarm clock buttons.

If you ever have a product you'd like me to review, please let me know, I'm a tough customer, but Moshi get's TWO MARTINI'S.

Close up and personal~Being yourself.

What? Is this too much for you? Then back up and go to another blog! Just like Boo Boo, I tend to be all up and in your face. And today is no different, but today is a day of celebration for one of the most amazing families I've ever met. I won't spill the beans... yet! Ok, it's public now, go over to THIS blog and wish the Alexanders a big congratulations. Welcome Seth Eyasu Alexander!!! Can't wait to meet this precious addition to the team!

So, what's the post about today? It's about getting to the point, living life, not wasting precious time, but also speaking what's in your heart. It's about telling people how you feel, not having regrets, looking back, and also moving forward. It's about the path that God has laid out for us. Not rushing it or trying to be in control. But accepting what is. Not just accepting, but embracing it and being grateful even if you don't see the forest through the trees. It's about everything and nothing at all. It's about saying hello, and saying goodbye. And it's also about daring to be your true self. The real you without facade or mask. Knowing and accepting that not everyone in the world sees things the way you do, and being ok with that. Believing that you won't be liked or loved by everyone, and for crying out loud, stop trying so damn hard. Just live outside your comfort zone for a few days and you will know what I'm talking about. Take a risk, take a chance, do something today that makes you feel uneasy. It will reward you!

Todays post... is about being you, loving you and striving to keep moving in the direction of what you believe in. Ok, that sounds too Stuart Smalley! :)

I'm off the love train now. It was fun, but now back to life. And it's meatball time! Yes, that's what I call living out of the box. Yum!

Topic: Birth Family Visit

I was so rushed yesterday when I did my rambling and what came out in the end is something I'd like to write more about and explain more about.

If you got bored reading about my escapades at Secrets/Cancun and never reached the end of yesterdays post then have no fear! I'm going to kinda sorta start ova! Yes, that's how we talk up hea in the Noth... Bad attempt to try and show the New England accent in writing! I should do a video!!! OMG, I haven't made a video in forever. I would do a video, but frankly I look like shit b/c I'm sick. But be warned... videos are coming to a Lori blog near you!

I need to dress the children... hang on. Don't you love my new way of talking? As if you were reading this live. I'm so used to talking w/people in real time online that I feel you need to know why I'm gone. But you won't know I'm gone will you. Eegads, I need help. Oh wait, already addressing that one!

Time to be serious...

I wanted/want to ask a question to you adoptive moms. Do you ever think, want, or plan to bring your ET child(ren) back to ET for a birth family visit? I know everyone has had a different experience in country and that some of you may not have met your childs b.family. The reason I'm asking this question is that I've been thinking about it. Quite often as of late. Let me tell you about our story real quick and why I'm asking this.

We traveled to ET in August of 08'. We had a birth family visit. It was the most inexplicable moment of my life to be embracing, kissing, and sitting next to a woman so in love with her child that she made the choice that she did. Our visit was about 45 mins. A letter that we wrote to her was translated and read to her. At the end we were able to ask questions back and forth with the translators help. One of the questions that was asked of us was this: "Will you give me updates? Will you bring her back here to visit us?"

At that time we had no intention of bringing our peanut back for a family visit. We also knew that it is something not widely encouraged for a whole host of reasons. We were vague with our answer and repeatedly told her that we would send her updates, pictures, and letters. We did not address the other part of the question, how could we tell her "no". How? Just writing this brings me back. I can literally smell the earth of the dirt floor. We were also VERY fortunate to have the b.family visit at the home of the birth family. What a gift. What a gift.

Most of you know the story of the rest of our time in country and what our lives look like now. Talk about crazy! One day, several months ago I was browsing through pictures on shutterfly and a picture of Tessa's first mom came up on the screen. Tessa walked by and I couldn't close the browser fast enough. Both kids go crazy excited when they see pictures on my computer and she quickly ran over to the screen and asked who that was. I was scared shitless. I said, "you don't know who that is?" She said "no". I was curious and surprised. I knew that I was probably doing something I shouldn't. I never planned to show her pictures from that visit until she was a lot older. But I did. I brought the picture back up on the screen. She stared at it with NO change in expression. Like looking at whatever. I asked her again if she knew those people. She told me no again. I pointed to each person in the picture and asked her. She had NO clue. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. It had probably only been six or nine months since she'd been home here with us when this happened. How could she have no clue. She was just curious. Even to the pictures of the outside of her home. She thought it was "cool" looking and it was as if she's never seen anything like it. She lived there for the first three years and two weeks of her life. How could this be? If you know me, you'll know that I kinda got freaked out and it crossed my mind that perhaps this wasn't her birth family to begin with. No wonder she had no reaction. But that was a fleeting thought. I know it was her family/is her family. Without a shadow of a doubt.

It was right around this time that I spent time putting together a nice album of pictures. I spent time drafting a letter. After putting it all together I sent it off in the mail, Ethiopia bound. Sadly, I was sure it would take a couple of months to get in the hands of the woman who gave birth to our peanut.

About two or three weeks ago I was contacted and told that Tessa's family has made requests that we send an update and some picures. Huh? What? I did that so long ago. I told this person that I already had. And that's when I really started thinking about a visit to Ethiopia WITH Tessa. I even know how to get to that house seven plus hours out of Addis.

MP and I talked about it. I told him that I want to do it, not like tomorrow, but not years away either. He thinks it would do more harm than good to her birth family. Especially Mom. I honestly feel that she would feel peace with it. Sure, it's bound to be very painful. It can't be more painful than how she must have felt that dreaded day that the truck took her baby away. It can't be more painful than "not knowing". If she could see her and touch her again. And know that it was right. Maybe this is just me feeling guilty (again) and selfish. Is it selfish of me? Is this to put me at ease that her first momma see her? These are questions I ask myself.

That is why I'm asking you. Knowing our story, what would you do? What is your story? Will you?

I hope this post doesn't offend anyone or bring up painful memories. If you know my blog then you know that I'm pretty straight forward and open. Yes, again I didn't proof and there is no spell check - sorry!

*** CALLING ALL PRAYERS-CHANTS-MEDITATIONS***

TEAM ALEXANDER HAS COURT TOMORROW!! NUMBER FOUR!! IT HAS TO HAPPEN!!! THIS LITTLE BOY JUST HAS TO PASS AND COME HOME TO TEXAS!

Rambling...

Hi! As usual, I'm starting this post off with nothing in particular to write about. But verbal vomit tends to come from these types of beginnings. Let see where the roller coaster of my pin brain leads us today!

I'm sick... it started in Cancun, I lost my voice but that was about it. It has escalated to feeling feverish and like my head is in a vice. Basically, the norm for me!

There have been some struggles that I cannot share with you all that my family has been dealing with, it looks like resolutionn is on the way. I know that's cyrptic... let's just leave it at that!

The kids are doing great, more than great and we became an official American family by purchasing a used gaming system over the weekend for us all to use. I'm a total dunce and cannot seem to figure out eight buttons at once. Practice should help. Either that or I'll give up.

What else has been on my mind... so so much. I'm still in Cancun in my head. Something kind of happened to me there. I feel like I became more of a free spirit. Like I embraced everything around me and fully escaped reality. I know that's what vacation should do, but it rarely does on the level I reached. Perhaps spending a couple of all nighters pool hoping to "glide around" and evading the security detail had something to do with it. It was a blast. If I wasn't in the water, I was dancing, dancing, dancing. I basically feel like I lived life. Lying in the ocean at night - running in the path of the moonlight into the ocean - lying in the sand counting stars and not caring about all the sand going into my hair or swimsuit - actually wearing AND buying a swimsuit for the first time in years - walking around not caring what I looked like - being a free spirit - and smiling A LOT! I didn't care about the condition of our room, picking up after myself at every turn, didn't care about any sort of schedule or plan, we decided at 11:30 at night to take a 45 minute cab ride into the city to go to one of the top ten (according to them) nightclubs in the world "Coco Bongo", staying there until the wee hours, chillin with a former NBA player for the night, and making an ass of myself trying to do the Dirty Dancing Baby lift with my girl Lynnie in the pool. Not once, but over and over and over (she's still in pain). And yes, that picture above of the infinity pool, I watched the sunrise from that very spot at the end!

Not to mention spending time with my girls -  so so priceless.

Hang on, gotta stir the meatballs....

Ok, so now home and back to reality. Being an adult again. It's ok... NOT! :)
We've had quite a few house showings which is good, I guess. If today's showing doesn't produce an offer then we're pulling it off the market. There is just too much going on with us and this time of year is horrible to consider having to move. Especially since it's pretty much me that has to do all the work of packing etc etc. Ick!

Ethiopia has been coming into my mind in flashes. I tried to put it on the back burner somewhat because it was taking over my life and consuming me. I feel good about where I'm at now. While I'm not ready to take on a cause or plan the next trip, it's something that crosses my mind daily. And when the time is right, I'll know.

I have a very powerful and difficult question to ask you momma's. Have you ever/would you ever take your child back there for a birth family visit if the child doesn't know his/her former family? It's been on my mind. A few weeks ago (hang on, time out. This should be another post but I'm in the mood) we rec'd word from our agency that they've had SEVERAL requests from Tessa's b.family for an update and photos. I was very sad to learn that since about six months ago I put something very special together and sent it. Which means they don't have it. I want them to know, I want them to see. I even want them to touch her. Am I wrong? MP thinks it would cause a world of hurt for her b.mom, I think it would bring her peace. Especially since the last time she saw her it had to have been the most disgustingly heartbreaking moment one could live. I feel like I'm going to throw up just thinking about it. Anyway... I have to go get the kids now. What are your thoughts? And sorry for talking about "fun in cancun" and something so deep right after. Are you surprised?

Lor
Ps... I didn't proof this first and what the hell happened to spell check w/the new blogger?

There's no place like SECRETS!

Wowzer! I should do a video so you can not hear my voice! We had an AMAZING time. I'm waiting to collect the pictures from the girls so I can put together one of my famous video montages! There are far too many immature acts (shocker, I know) to even count.

But one of the best parts of the trip were all of my "AHA" moments. I had several of them. We met some truly special people there that we will keep in contact with and meet up with in the future, hopefully soon!

So I'll keep up this wonderful music until the video and stories come!! I'm such a big little dork! Go Herb Alpert and theTijauna Brass!

And I def. would will go there again! Check THIS OUT, this is where we went!

Lor

Cancun...watch out!

Cancun, (this is where we're staying) the NH girls are coming. You'd probably be better off getting a hurricaine!

Yikes, five girlfriends, friends since kindergarten and up! Yes, and we're nearing 38 years old, that's a long time!

After my trip to California earlier this year it was obvious that me and my local friends have never been on a girls getaway, other than a visit to see Lynnie in Arizona (college days). It is the most perfect time. You could say it's the perfect storm. So much is going on in all of our lives, changes, life changes that it couldn't be better. When do we leave? TOMORROW! At around 4:30 we head for Boston to board the plane.

The crappy thing about that is that I love nothing more than to have a bloody mary when I'm at the airport. I don't know why, it's just my thing. I never have them any other time. It will be too early. The awesome part about that is that we will be in Mexico early enough to enjoy the afternoon and evening.

Which reminds me... crap, I still need to pack, do fingers and toes, tan, and make-out with my babies before I go.

So... you won't be hearing from my new blog until I get back but I can't wait to compile the pictures and video from it into a fun montage! Bon Voyage!

Bartender please...

Bartender, the song you are hearing is a Dave Matthews song about Jesus, Judas and the wine. If you listen to the entire song, I hope it moves you as much as it does me. LFM, it makes me think of you.

I'll start at the beginning. Twilight. Love it. Bought the first book to read on our trip to Ethiopia to pick up Tessa Bezu and never read past page one. Lori Rooney mentioned it soon after that on her blog and I began hearing more and more buzz about this book series "Twilight" on other blogs too... I had it, was sick with mono and a fractured tail bone (don't ask) after our return home so I started to read the series. Finished it in two weeks. World record for Lori the non-reader!  I was so quickly obsessed. Like so many others.

It just so happened that some other friends were as hooked if not more so than I was. Anything and everything Twilight, I lived and breathed all things Twilight (ask my then annoyed husband). A few short months later four of us co-authored a Twilight blog together. And that's where I've been! That's why my "Now Wot" blog has been like crickets. I quickly was overcome by the fun and excitement to share a passion and so many other common attributes with other women. It was the time of my life. I cried more laughter tears than I can remember in so long. It was a high for me. A drug, if you will.

The Twilight blog was a HUGE part of my everyday life, because of the wonderful, fun, smart women that were also co-authors. We spoke several times a day, everyday. It was intense, and very personal. We shared everything, nothing was out of bounds. We were each other's support, ear, shoulder, and laughter. It was AWESOME.

A few months ago something started to shift. Slowly. And more slowly. You have to admit that it's hard to talk/work with four other women on a daily basis without any drama. We were like a rock band with ups and downs in our own lives. We loved and supported one another no matter what and still kept up the blog.

Without getting into details for the privacy of everyone involved, there was a falling out the other day/night. I am mostly to blame. I was asked to leave the blog and their lives. Like I said, I was mostly to blame, I did and said things I'm not proud of. I acted foolishly with my mouth/typing, and was disrespectful to people that I loved. But it burns, deep. Because other people were also hurtful to me. It became unhealthy for us all and I was told to leave the group.  It must have been the end of the road. Period. That's it. You cannot force things. It was just time. They saw I needed to leave, and it was done.

I will honor and cherish every single moment that I had to share with these women. I will always love them. This past year, no matter the outcome, was a blessing in my life and a learning experience too. Self awarness. Accountability for actions and words. That is what I take away from the awesome experience, fun, and hard work from that blog.

I've also learned that I cannot change who I am at the core. I am not an easy person. I am black and white, I have pretty conservative views on right and wrong. And when I love someone, truly love people, I love them HARD. And that's not something for everyone. I get that. I know that. I can appreciate that. My expectations of friendship is sometimes different than others. It's ok. We're not all the same. I am at peace with things now after discussing things today with a confidant. And I cannot let the pain take over me. I feel a DEEP sense of loss in many respects. It will heal. Time heals, right? But for now, I hurt, my face is swollen and eyes look puffy. My mouth is in a straight line. This too shall pass. Why am I telling you this? Because I'm an open book. Any of you who know my writing know this to be true. Now, life is changing again...*sigh*. I miss my girls so very much already. But I have no choice but to move on.

Not only is that huge part of my life over, but we also have our house on the market! Many of you probably know that from facebook. We need to move closer to MP's work. He currently travels over an hour each way to work! :0  There WERE thoughts of us moving to TX (and hopes) but the company just cannot afford to move us and they need MP here more. :( It would have been fun to try a new state. I've always lived in either Mass, or NH.

And the next BIGGEST thing on my ming (hahaha, first) is that Nicholas will be having his eye test next month. Yes, the one that will tell us if he is going to be blind. It's been in my head since January. If tried to stuff it away. The time is drawing near. It's a yes or no test. In Boston. Next month. What do you do when you're told that your son will go blind by twenty/thirty? Do you spoil him rotten and travel all over the world? I don't know. I've been "avoiding" it b/c we know nothing now. He has a 50/50% chance of being blind b/c of my eyesight disease called Retinitis Pigmentosa. My father is blind from it and boys are the target. But I just so happen to be a carrier. Not just a carrier, but a special carrier called a "mosiac". Lucky me. That means I pass the gene on AND develope symptoms, which are already occuring. I won't be blind for many more years but it is happening, slowly. Yay! I don't think you wanted this "Lor" back, did you???

So, here I am. I need a writing outlet. I'm not in the "adoption" phase of life anymore. We are just a family. So I wanted to start over with a new blog. With new things. Sometimes I'll rant, sometimes I'll (try to) attempt to be funny and sometimes it will just be family updates.

I also want to apologize to all the people that I love and have met through the adoption process that I've practically ignored over the past many many months. I hope to catch up on your posts and be a present blogger partner again.

So, glasses up, let's cheer to a new start...not when the world ends, but a fresh beginning. And please send a prayer my way and to my blog friends way for a speedy healing of open wounds.

I do promise to have a more uplifting post tomorrow! Got this bad one out of the way though!

On a side note, I'm SO excited to get back into your lives and see your kiddos. Enough about me. Me me me, blah blah blah! I love you SRD!

Lor

Starting over, blog style.

Today is a new day. It has been a horrible, horrible day. I will share more tomorrow. I wanted to get the new site up and running. It is my desire and need to have a creative writing outlet. Why didn't I use the other blog to do that? Well, that's the story I'm going to tell. Some events have unfolded in the past few days that have had me empty and lost. It dawned on me just a bit ago that I should re-invent the blog. It won't be an adoption blog. It will be a "me" blog. Anything from recipes, jokes, funny stuff, pictures of family, family updates, and useless typical rants!

I'm excited about this new outlet. I'll explain it all! No worries. And did I mention that I'm going to Cancun on Friday? Yes, this Friday!!!! Girls only getaway! And take it from me, girls only getaways are the BEST!

See you on the other side!
Lor