Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Bartender please...

Bartender, the song you are hearing is a Dave Matthews song about Jesus, Judas and the wine. If you listen to the entire song, I hope it moves you as much as it does me. LFM, it makes me think of you.

I'll start at the beginning. Twilight. Love it. Bought the first book to read on our trip to Ethiopia to pick up Tessa Bezu and never read past page one. Lori Rooney mentioned it soon after that on her blog and I began hearing more and more buzz about this book series "Twilight" on other blogs too... I had it, was sick with mono and a fractured tail bone (don't ask) after our return home so I started to read the series. Finished it in two weeks. World record for Lori the non-reader!  I was so quickly obsessed. Like so many others.

It just so happened that some other friends were as hooked if not more so than I was. Anything and everything Twilight, I lived and breathed all things Twilight (ask my then annoyed husband). A few short months later four of us co-authored a Twilight blog together. And that's where I've been! That's why my "Now Wot" blog has been like crickets. I quickly was overcome by the fun and excitement to share a passion and so many other common attributes with other women. It was the time of my life. I cried more laughter tears than I can remember in so long. It was a high for me. A drug, if you will.

The Twilight blog was a HUGE part of my everyday life, because of the wonderful, fun, smart women that were also co-authors. We spoke several times a day, everyday. It was intense, and very personal. We shared everything, nothing was out of bounds. We were each other's support, ear, shoulder, and laughter. It was AWESOME.

A few months ago something started to shift. Slowly. And more slowly. You have to admit that it's hard to talk/work with four other women on a daily basis without any drama. We were like a rock band with ups and downs in our own lives. We loved and supported one another no matter what and still kept up the blog.

Without getting into details for the privacy of everyone involved, there was a falling out the other day/night. I am mostly to blame. I was asked to leave the blog and their lives. Like I said, I was mostly to blame, I did and said things I'm not proud of. I acted foolishly with my mouth/typing, and was disrespectful to people that I loved. But it burns, deep. Because other people were also hurtful to me. It became unhealthy for us all and I was told to leave the group.  It must have been the end of the road. Period. That's it. You cannot force things. It was just time. They saw I needed to leave, and it was done.

I will honor and cherish every single moment that I had to share with these women. I will always love them. This past year, no matter the outcome, was a blessing in my life and a learning experience too. Self awarness. Accountability for actions and words. That is what I take away from the awesome experience, fun, and hard work from that blog.

I've also learned that I cannot change who I am at the core. I am not an easy person. I am black and white, I have pretty conservative views on right and wrong. And when I love someone, truly love people, I love them HARD. And that's not something for everyone. I get that. I know that. I can appreciate that. My expectations of friendship is sometimes different than others. It's ok. We're not all the same. I am at peace with things now after discussing things today with a confidant. And I cannot let the pain take over me. I feel a DEEP sense of loss in many respects. It will heal. Time heals, right? But for now, I hurt, my face is swollen and eyes look puffy. My mouth is in a straight line. This too shall pass. Why am I telling you this? Because I'm an open book. Any of you who know my writing know this to be true. Now, life is changing again...*sigh*. I miss my girls so very much already. But I have no choice but to move on.

Not only is that huge part of my life over, but we also have our house on the market! Many of you probably know that from facebook. We need to move closer to MP's work. He currently travels over an hour each way to work! :0  There WERE thoughts of us moving to TX (and hopes) but the company just cannot afford to move us and they need MP here more. :( It would have been fun to try a new state. I've always lived in either Mass, or NH.

And the next BIGGEST thing on my ming (hahaha, first) is that Nicholas will be having his eye test next month. Yes, the one that will tell us if he is going to be blind. It's been in my head since January. If tried to stuff it away. The time is drawing near. It's a yes or no test. In Boston. Next month. What do you do when you're told that your son will go blind by twenty/thirty? Do you spoil him rotten and travel all over the world? I don't know. I've been "avoiding" it b/c we know nothing now. He has a 50/50% chance of being blind b/c of my eyesight disease called Retinitis Pigmentosa. My father is blind from it and boys are the target. But I just so happen to be a carrier. Not just a carrier, but a special carrier called a "mosiac". Lucky me. That means I pass the gene on AND develope symptoms, which are already occuring. I won't be blind for many more years but it is happening, slowly. Yay! I don't think you wanted this "Lor" back, did you???

So, here I am. I need a writing outlet. I'm not in the "adoption" phase of life anymore. We are just a family. So I wanted to start over with a new blog. With new things. Sometimes I'll rant, sometimes I'll (try to) attempt to be funny and sometimes it will just be family updates.

I also want to apologize to all the people that I love and have met through the adoption process that I've practically ignored over the past many many months. I hope to catch up on your posts and be a present blogger partner again.

So, glasses up, let's cheer to a new start...not when the world ends, but a fresh beginning. And please send a prayer my way and to my blog friends way for a speedy healing of open wounds.

I do promise to have a more uplifting post tomorrow! Got this bad one out of the way though!

On a side note, I'm SO excited to get back into your lives and see your kiddos. Enough about me. Me me me, blah blah blah! I love you SRD!



  1. I'll be the first to comment. DAMN was this cathartic and wonderful! Even if nobody sees it!

  2. I'm excited that you are blogging's to good news with Nicholas' appointment.

  3. so happy that you are back! My heart aches for you my friend! I hope your heart heals quickly. I'm thinking of you...and positive thoughts for cutie pie Nicholas. Love to you!

  4. I'm happy you are back, too...

    Much love from a stalker-blogger. :)

  5. I'm so glad you decided to blog again. And I'm sorry for the hurt.

    Sending good juju for Nicholas. And did you plant a St. Joseph statue in your yard? Seriously, it works. Even for a half-Jew.

  6. Glad to see you back! Of course, I would love to see you in person (hint hint), but will take the blog to tide me over. :) So sorry about your posse. I know only too well how that hurts. I'll be sending positive thoughts your way for Nicholas!
    ~Beth G.

  7. I am SO glad that you are back. To every ending, there is a beginning. I truly believe that. Even when things are too hard to comprehend and it's hard to catch your breath...there is usually a beginning just around the corner waiting on you. Life begs to be lived. You will certainly live it. With or without lost friends, but new friends. With or without your sight, there will be new ways to see. I believe in you Lori! You are certainly a liver of life and I love that about you. You do not muddle through it, you fly through it with your arms wide open. And I bet you have taught your children to do the same. Your son will be fine...he will fly too! Hugs blog friend!


  8. Welcome back my friend, Welcome Back!!!!!

  9. Glad your back. I missed you.

  10. So glad that you have an outlet. Go you! can't wait to see what is up next :)

  11. So happy you're back! And also so very sorry to hear about all the hurt and worry you've had. I've got my fingers crossed and crossed again for Nicholas. Hope you get nothing but good news!!

  12. I'm sorry you were hurt by your other blogging experience, but it sounds like you are taking some lessons away from it and that's always a good thing. Sending good thoughts your way for your son!

  13. Glad to see you back blogging, my friend. Good luck with the test in Boston. Keep me posted. then we will plan a fun meeting.

  14. Glad you didn't leave the blog world! You would have been missed greatly!

    Praying that you hear GOOD news at Nicholas' appointment!