I don't know where I'm at today.... I've been very emotional lately and I think it's for a whole host of reasons. Ever feel like you on the brink of crying at every turn of your day? Or, if you're me, you cry at every turn of your day over anything, I should rephrase the word cry to "well up"! Well, for me the main two reasons are;
1. Christmas. It always seems to make me the most "tender". I always tear up just shopping and looking at people and wondering about their life. Sound stupid? Probably is! I've always had an overactive imagination - I become overwhelmed with emotions, good emotions, not bad ones about being thankful and grateful and just plain happy to be alive... It makes me mushy! For anyone who reads this that knows me (and hardly any of those closest to me read this so it will fly) will think I'm lying about being sentimental because that's not the side I often am in the presence of others except for Michael. I'm typically the funny, sarcastic, and dry one in the room.
2. I feel that our family isn't complete. Even though my sweet little babe Nick is my everything, just knowing that the final piece to our family is accross the world somewhere is starting to really take some of my enthusiasm for Christmas away.
It feels like I'm just trying to "get through the holidays" and have them be done with. I don't want to be like that because it's my favorite time of year, but I can't help it. It's kind of like going through the motions but really secretly wanting January to get here so we're closer to our referral.
It also doesn't help that I really don't think it's going to be anytime soon. That would be fine except when we started this process we were expecting to be home by Christmas with our little one. We had since resigned ourselves to thinking Jan/Feb. referral, but, to be honest, I really don't see that happening. Our agency seems to be just so dragging behind everyone else. It just doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. Why aren't all the other agencies having the backlog issues from the court closing and the red tape issues that ours seems to be having?? I'm just venting here, not really looking for answers because there are none.
And here's the real raw gut truth about my feelings at this point...I'm not looking for sympathy or advice because I already know it all... I know that it will come, I know that he/she is going to be here before we know it, but for right now, this minute, this day, this week, it's hard being normal when you know that your babe might be hungry right now. It's tough wrapping presents when you know the heartbreak that your babe's family may be going through having just given up or planning on giving up their child. And it's hard walking by an empty room that we can't prepare or decorate because we don't even have a gender (this is the selfish one). It's just plain hard to think of any more time going by without them here as part of our family, bonding with us and making our first memories together. Next year will be lightyears away from this Christmas. I have not forgotten that the true meaning of Christmas is the birth of Christ and what a gift that was for me and mankind.
I'm just sharing with you my randowm thoughts and I know that it will pass, but for now, I am sad for our little babe... and us.
Next post will be different - I promise! :)