Monday, December 17, 2007

Adoption FUNK!

I don't know where I'm at today.... I've been very emotional lately and I think it's for a whole host of reasons. Ever feel like you on the brink of crying at every turn of your day? Or, if you're me, you cry at every turn of your day over anything, I should rephrase the word cry to "well up"! Well, for me the main two reasons are;

1. Christmas. It always seems to make me the most "tender". I always tear up just shopping and looking at people and wondering about their life. Sound stupid? Probably is! I've always had an overactive imagination - I become overwhelmed with emotions, good emotions, not bad ones about being thankful and grateful and just plain happy to be alive... It makes me mushy! For anyone who reads this that knows me (and hardly any of those closest to me read this so it will fly) will think I'm lying about being sentimental because that's not the side I often am in the presence of others except for Michael. I'm typically the funny, sarcastic, and dry one in the room.

2. I feel that our family isn't complete. Even though my sweet little babe Nick is my everything, just knowing that the final piece to our family is accross the world somewhere is starting to really take some of my enthusiasm for Christmas away.

It feels like I'm just trying to "get through the holidays" and have them be done with. I don't want to be like that because it's my favorite time of year, but I can't help it. It's kind of like going through the motions but really secretly wanting January to get here so we're closer to our referral.

It also doesn't help that I really don't think it's going to be anytime soon. That would be fine except when we started this process we were expecting to be home by Christmas with our little one. We had since resigned ourselves to thinking Jan/Feb. referral, but, to be honest, I really don't see that happening. Our agency seems to be just so dragging behind everyone else. It just doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. Why aren't all the other agencies having the backlog issues from the court closing and the red tape issues that ours seems to be having?? I'm just venting here, not really looking for answers because there are none.

And here's the real raw gut truth about my feelings at this point...I'm not looking for sympathy or advice because I already know it all... I know that it will come, I know that he/she is going to be here before we know it, but for right now, this minute, this day, this week, it's hard being normal when you know that your babe might be hungry right now. It's tough wrapping presents when you know the heartbreak that your babe's family may be going through having just given up or planning on giving up their child. And it's hard walking by an empty room that we can't prepare or decorate because we don't even have a gender (this is the selfish one). It's just plain hard to think of any more time going by without them here as part of our family, bonding with us and making our first memories together. Next year will be lightyears away from this Christmas. I have not forgotten that the true meaning of Christmas is the birth of Christ and what a gift that was for me and mankind.

I'm just sharing with you my randowm thoughts and I know that it will pass, but for now, I am sad for our little babe... and us.

Next post will be different - I promise! :)


  1. I know how you feel...We were sort of hoping for a pre-Christmas referral too, and it's not happening...And it's perfectly okay to vent about it in cyberspace! :-) Tomorrow will be a happier day, right!?

  2. I'm so sorry that you are having a tough time today. Christmas is SO hard when your family isn't all together. Adoption is so emotionally trying...with the super good days and super hard ones.
    I know how you feel about Christmas. Tommy and I decided to go to Hawaii from the 24th-Jan 1st (since I check your blog numerous times a day you would obviously detect my lack of presence immediately, therefore I provided the dates to avoid a panic during Christmas morning).
    But know I'll be thinking of you and your little ones this holiday and sending lots of positive energy your way.
    Cheers, Danni

  3. Jim and I read your blog every day. I think we are close to you. God has a plan for why things are this way for this Chirstmas and my thought is that you should take it all in and enjoy the holiday as much as you can and not get overwhelmed with the little babe waiting for you. That little babe may not be here this year so you can fully give your incredible love and generosity and attention to Michael and Nicholas. Don't lose hope because His plan will be revealed to you as He intends it to be. Keep your faith strong, because you are a pillar of strength for your family. I love you.

  4. I am sorry you are having a difficult day...I had MANY of these in the last few weeks waiting for our referral. It will all pass the day you see your beautiful baby's face for the first time. I hope that day comes soon for you. Maybe we could plan lunch or something once we return from ethiopia...we get back on Jan 8.

  5. I feel your pain sister! I feel your pain!

    I do pray that we don't miss the moments in the here and now, but I often feel blah too.

    I was driving with the kids the other day and Feed the World- Let them know its Christmas (remember the old song with Bono, Michael Jackson,etc?) and I just burst into tears. I was trying to explain to the kids why they wrote this song, how it benefitted Africa, etc but I was a mess. Just thinking about my kids being there, my kids being hungry, made it personal and I wanted to go get them-- oh, thats right- I need a referral first:)

    Hang in there Lori- your day will come and these days will seem a distant memory.

  6. Okay Friend lets chalk it up to the week! Yes, you made me "well up" reading your blog.

    All day Sunday I was with my family doing a cookie holiday was sooo great. However when I got home not so great. I think I was just really tired....I bawled for I an hour (all I know is the next morning I couldn't open my eyes they were soo swollen). I cried and cried and cried "I want him to be home, I don't even know him and I miss him."

    I know, nothing I say will make either one of us or anyone else for that matter "better" but do know I think about your family daily!

    Really..Really...really.....who would have thought in a MILLION YEARS this would be soo hard? I sure as heck didn't.

    But as we always's worth it all over again in the end

    MUCH LOVE......Me

  7. Lori,
    Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to have a "moment". I truly hope that the New Year brings lots of Joy for you and your family. Your little angel will be in your arms before you know it. I hope you guys have a Happy Holiday. :)

  8. Lori -

    I so know how you feel. It may seem that its "easy for me to say" as we have our referral but I was there. I was SO there.

    I think God allows us to go through these feelings and emotions in a process to prepare us to parent a child half way across the world coming into our lives through adoption. It sort of allows us some time to think about what our child is going to experience.

    Gods timing is perfect, He has the most perfect child for you and just thinking about how amazing that is brings tears to my eyes.

    I'm so excited for you guys - I hope today is better then yesterday and I'm praying for a referral sooner then later for your family.

  9. Hey Lori!

    Next post doesn't have to be different! It is more important to be authentic. I can't believe how much less teary I feel now that we have Zufan home, but I still do have my occasional basket-case moments. Sometime you just have to give yourself permission to feel sad, even if it isn't logical. It is OK!

  10. Your feelings are are missing your second baby! Come sweet baby, come!

  11. It must be in the water this week. I broke down and wept in a shop today with a friend who is waiting for her baby from Ethiopia, too. It's hard to rejoice 100% through Christmastime when your baby isn't here with you. I understand your heartache and blue feelings. Your little babe will be brought home with you at the most beautifully perfect time. Hang in there! And, rejoice through the tears of waiting. I'm praying for you!

  12. I know what you mean...I feel like I'm in that funk today!

  13. I think we have to allow ourselves to feel this way every now and again throughout the process. Sometimes we try to be too strong and hold back emotions, but this IS an emotional thing, so it's OK to let it out. There have been a few days this month when I closed my office door and just bawled! I hope this holiday season brings you joy and that 2008 is a magical year for you!

  14. Beautiful!

    Your ditto comment made me come over and read. It seems we are feeling the same things this holiday season.

    I wish you the most amazing Christmas. You will be in our prayers.

    The Bakers